Top Story
"Super Atkins" a Success - Reports
The recently released "Super Atkins" diet has won an army of fans, days after the book's release. Early adopters of the new eating regime have reported dramatic weight-loss, even compared to the standard Atkins diet. The new diet advocates not only advises avoiding carbohydrates, but recommends cutting out proteins and fats as well - and fans say this is the secret to its success. "Cutting out carbohydrates, proteins and fats from my diet have helped me lose the pounds," said Lurleen Barr, a fan from Boise, Idaho. "I've tried countless other diets, but none have worked - until now."
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National News
"You're A Star" - Who will be the next Chris Doran?
Irish music fans are gripped by "You're A Star" fever as the show's three remaining contestants battle it out in a bid to become the next Chris Doran. "When I see how far Chris has gone since being on the show, it inspires me to perform even better each night and to plead for even more votes from the public," said the girl out of the strange brother-and-sister duo. Other contestants agreed: "This is the chance of a lifetime," said the fat one out of Jade (no, the really fat one). "There's no reason why we can't be every bit as successful as Chris Doran. Or even Mickey Joe Harte - but without his silly name!" said the man who plays guitar in the Henry Girls.
The judging panel also have high hopes for the remaining hopefuls. "I got into the last ten in the UK 'Pop Stars' show and I once had a hit with a cover of a Crowded House song," said Hazel Kaneswaran, "and if the contestants listen to my advice, they could reach that level of fame and talent too."
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International News
Prince Harry in Need of Paternal Guidance
Prince Harry, third in line to the throne of England, is in need of paternal guidance, according to a leading psychologist. Concepta Delaney, a noted authority on royal facism fans, claimed today that the young Royal needs sound, stern advice from his father in his troubled times. Prince Harry, a celebrated Third Reich fan and casual drug user, has recently found himself out of favour with the respected British media over his roguish pranks, such as drunkenly thumping photographers. According to Ms. Delaney, only strong paternal guidance will stop the young Royal from spiralling out of control.
"Why are you telling me that?" asked Major James Hewitt.
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Local News
Local Woman Can't Find Her Phone and You Won't Even Help
A local woman, who declined to be named, can't find her phone. She's checked the bathroom, and behind the telly, and you're not even helping at all. The woman definitely had the phone last night when she called her sister's friend to ask about borrowing that top to go with her new jeans, but hasn't seen it since returning from the nightclub. "It's definitely lost," said the woman, who couldn't fucking understand why that always happens to her after a night out.
The woman later told reporters that no, she hadn't checked her handbag.
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Business
Rowntree's new "Extra Bubbles Aero" is Launched
Rowntree's most famous confectionery product, the Aero bar, has recently been released with more bubbles than ever before. A spokesman said, "Nobody's really figured out that we're charging more money for less chocolate, so we're laughing."
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Sport
Paula Radcliffe's Autobiography Almost Finished
Paula Radcliffe's autobiography is nearing completion, but...
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Entertainment
Pete Doherty's New Band to Avoid Music
After seeing his last two bands, The Libertines and The Shambles, splitting over musical differences, UK megastar Pete Doherty has announced that his new band, "Shit" will concentrate on tabloid appearances and will avoid writing or playing any music.
In a recent NME poll, 73% of readers said they see Pete Doherty as the next Sid Vicious, and are eagerly snapping up merchandise to sell on EBay after he croaks it.
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Politics
Willie O'Dea Urged to Remove Facial Disguise
Minister for Justice Willie O'Dea has been urged by a Dáil committee to remove his much-loved fake spectacles, nose and moustache. The notoriously publicity-shy Limerick East TD has sported his unique comedy disguise since first being elected in 1982 and has never been photographed without it. "Minister O'Dea should remove his mask immediately and come clean to the Irish electorate," said Sinn Féin TD, Aengus Ó Snodaigh.
Minister O'Dea has strenously denied being Pat Kenny in a mask.
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Weather
It's fucking freezing out.
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©
The Irish Press, 2005