Top Story
Some Langer Made a Web Site
The Irish Press was launched today to a blaze of publicity. Well, there was no publicity as such. Actually, nobody knows about it yet. Maybe the Editor should contact that English publicity fella with the white hair, whatcha call him. Actually, that fella's a tosser.
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National News
Sharon Ní Bheoláin in "Hairy Nipples" Uproar
RTÉ news reader Sharon Ní Bheolain is at the centre of a media storm surrounding groundless accusations that she has hairy nipples. The rumours, which are completely without substance, are believed to have grown as a result of national suspicion over her reluctance to pose topless for this publication.
The editors and publishers at The Irish Press fully support Ms Ní Bheoláin at this difficult time and are willing to disprove these scurrilous accusations. If Sharon wishes to follow this path, she can e-mail numerous JPEG images of her breasts to theirishpress@gmail.com, after which we will be able to publish a complete rebuttal of these potentially career-ending rumours.
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International News
African Famines Ceased as Tsunami Hit South-East Asia
The Civil War in East Timor, the genocide in the Darfur region of Sudan and general poverty, starvation and suffering ceased in Africa moments before the Asian tsunami hit. As a result, no charitable donations need to be made to any cause except the tsunami, ever again.
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Local News
Local Man Is Not Racist, But
A local man has confirmed that he wouldn't be a racist or anything, but. The man, who declined to be identified due to fear of being labelled as a racist, pointed out the rises in single motherhood and social welfare receipt which have coincided with the recent increase in immigration into Ireland. The man also blamed foreigners for the increase in racism, noting that the increase in racism in Ireland has followed the rise in the number of foreign nationals. The man pointed out that, "there was never any racism [in Ireland] before them lot moved over. When we were all white, there was no racism at all."
The man later told reporters that he was only pointing out, is all.
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Business
Celtic Tiger in Burberry
The booming Celtic Tiger economy is alive and well and proof is all around us, according to a leading economist. Fiachra O'Ghneasaigh, Economics lecturer in Trinity College Dublin, has pointed to the increase of Burberry brand handbags, scarves and even baseball caps as evidence of a hugely successful national economy. "The visible abundance of such exclusive luxury fashion brands as Burberry, Von Dutch and Louis Vuitton is evidence of unprecedented wealth in our country. If even our underemployed youths can easily afford such items, our economy is clearly world-beating."
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Sport
GAA Asked to Help "Soccer" and "Rugby"
The GAA, Ireland's wholly-amateur sporting organisation, was asked again today to consider allowing its grounds to be used for two up and coming sports. Keen "soccer" enthusiasts Roy Keane and Damien Duff, along with "rugby" hobbyist Brian O'Driscoll, were among players who were fronting a campaign to plead for the use of the GAA's stadium. The stars are expected to try to impress upon the GAA how little commerical funding is available to soccer and rugby.
FAI spokesmen were unavailable for comment this week, as they were working to introduce the sport of soccer in the island of Saipan, which does not even have a soccer pitch.
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Entertainment
Irish Celebrity Big Brother launched
TG4 have announced that they are to launch a version of "Celebrity Big Brother". "Dreathair Mhór" will be launched to coincide with RTÉ's Telethon, whenever that is. TG4 have announced a stellar line-up of Irish celebrities, including:
- That Bosco presenter that was gay
- Sofar Sogood from RTÉ's Wanderly Wagon
- The singer from Today FM's hugely popular "Harvey Norman" advertisements
- Pajo from RTÉ's "Pajo's Junkbox"
- That cunt in the red jumper from RTÉ's Power City advertisements
Ryan Tubridy has been lined up to replace any first-choice celebrities who may cancel.
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Politics
Sinn Féin Go Too Far
Sinn Féin have drawn the wrath of the Irish Government after one of its top members was arrested on suspicion of money laundering. The recent events have forced the Irish Government to discontinue its softly-softly approach to republican shootings, bombings, knee-cappings, punishment beatings and protection rackets. "Robbing banks is just unforgivable," said the Taoiseach. The events have also forced the Irish media to learn a new buzzword, "criminality".
"We simply can't tolerate this sort of financial tomfoolery," said a Fianna Fáil spokesman.
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Weather
The weather's shite.
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A River
Some onlookers have noted that the name, "The Irish Press", is not entirely original and may infringe on copyright. Cry me a river, Fauntleroy.
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©
The Irish Press, 2004